Rework, Rearange, Retry.
It’s not really an interesting story, a need late at night to change your whole life. To research, restructure and make a plan. To swear that you’ll put that plan into action starting tomorrow. You’re gonna be different, this time will be different.
It’s never different, its and exercise in what, madness? It’s never worked, not for me, except for once. Even then I had to make that resolution to myself a hundred times before it ever stuck. What was at stake then vs now? The answer to that is pretty simple, my future, my whole life was at stake when I was drinking, the people around me, my reputation - all of it. Even still as I sit here knowing I should be in bed, knowing I should be prepping myself for these changes, I’m writing out this stupid silly little note to myself, maybe I’ll post it on my website, maybe I won’t.
I have high cholesterol (the bad kind) and I’m pre-diabetic, and fat. Why doesn’t this have the same ferocity, a need for change that I had when I quit drinking? So many things are still at stake, my life literally can hang in the balance with these things, my future will be painful and bleak if I don’t get healthier now, what’s stopping me? Is bread really THAT good? Do I really have that little self control? Why do I keep putting off the changes I need to make, why do I fear them so much?
The idea of jogging down the sidewalk and someone, anyone seeing me makes me so incredibly anxious, but why? Why does the thought that someone might judge me for moving my body stop me from doing it, why doesn’t the fact that I can’t comfortably fit in an airplane seat bother me in the same way?
It’s crazy, because I like healthy foods, genuinely. I ate three salads since Friday, but I also ate two whole baguettes, like 20 chicken tenders, a box of macaroni and cheese, probably a gallon of beans, and like 10 uncrustables. It’s only Tuesday! I forgot to mention the low-calorie ice cream pint, the Oreos, the glass of (soy) milk, and tea bowls of cereal.
The idea of maintaining a productive and consistent sleep schedule is a wild concept. I did this for a while, but I stagnated, I snoozed my alarm more and more, then work got crazier and I was working till 2 or 3am some nights, now I’m sleeping past noon.
What about me makes it so difficult to keep my shit together? I guess I have to keep at it until something, anything finally sticks, or until it’s almost too fucking late.